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Hey Seattle, Who’s Your Daddy?
Can you imagine giving a Phillies fan a huge chicken drumstick at CBP for wearing the best costume, and expecting them to eat it before throwing out the bone (in a trashcan)? They’d likely be in a court, but it certainly wouldn’t be the Felix Hernandez “King’s Court.” In Philadelphia a costume only serves one purpose, to disguise ones identity as they pillage, antagonize and create general mayhem throughout the city (see: Halloween in Philadelphia, Phillie Phanatic, Green Man). We couldn’t handle that level of responsibility, just ask Dick Allen. What’s frightening, though, is the long-conditioned thought process that I went through when the chicken eating ritual was highlighted in last night’s Mariners beat down. It went something like this…
“What?! They’re allowed to wear costumes to the ballpark, and I can’t wear my 3-piece gorilla costume in celebration of the Vanimal’s starts?! You can keep the damn drumstick, and shove it up your @$$… Come to think of it, give me the drumstick and I’ll shove it up your @$$, use it to demonstrate man-on-man fornication (on national TV), then launch it as far into the opposing team’s outfield as I can!
“Wait, maybe that’s exactly what they’re afraid of. The Phillies know that given the exact conditions of the “King’s Court” ritual, all hell would break loose at CBP. We’re way to passionate and high-strung for all that… What’s wrong with Mariner’s fans? I’d hate to play in Seattle – with those venti crapaccino, back woods lumberjack, woe-is-me, rainy day reject, lame-0 fans, of theirs. Hello people, I know it’s Pearl Jam bobble head night, but there’s a game going on and the collective ego of your shitty-city is riding on it. I’m just sayin’, maybe if you were better fans, you’d score more runs – that’s all.”
The Phillies handled King Felix last night in their 4 run victory over the Mariners. Big offensive nights for Shane Victorino and Jimmy Rollins helped to propel the Phils over the AL Cy Young Award winner. In his first start since May 29, Vance “Vanimal” Worley gave up 5 hits over 5 innings. He managed to hold Ichiro and the Mariners to just 1 run, but long AB’s drove up Worley’s pitch count. He was relieved by Stutes in the sixth who officially snagged the ‘W’ for the Phils.
Cole Hamels will take the ball for the Phils on Father’s Day, and will look to be MLB’s first ten game winner. In his last start, Hamels was dominant, holding the Marlins to 1 run and 3 hits over 7 innings of work. He was taken out of Tuesday night’s game, prematurely, due to tightness in his back, but according to Hamels and the Phillies coaching staff, Cole is ready to rock. He threw a bullpen session on Saturday afternoon, and reported no stiffness or ongoing concerns.
Hamels will face off against Jason “Loss” Vargas, who hasn’t faced the Phillies since July 2006, when he was with the Marlins. Vargas is 4-4 with a 4.13 ERA. In the first week of June, he threw a 4-hit shutout against the Tampa Bay Rays, before capturing another ‘W’ against the White Sox on June 8. However, in his most recent start Vargas struggled against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California of Orange County, United States of America. Vargas coughed up 5 earned runs, including 2 homers – taking his fourth loss of the season.
Ichiro looks to continue his 7 game hitting streak in game 3 against the Phillies, and Dustin “Beginner’s Luck” Ackley will hope to finish up his debut series, as strongly as it began. The fans of Seattle will continue to eat jumbo chicken legs, wear obnoxious colors, and pretend that they actually give a damn about baseball (see: hipsters). As for me, I’ll go pick up my gorilla costume from the dry cleaner, head over to dad’s to watch the game, and thank the Good Lord on Father’s Day that Tom McCarthy is no relation of mine.
Go Phillies!
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SW – Kevin Anderson
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