The sun rose in Canada today, and Canadians popped open a Molson, saluted their poster of Alan Thicke, got on their moose and set off for the syrup factory ready for a day filled with Canada Day festivities. For those of you who don’t know, Canada Day celebrates the day that a beaver saved Shania Twain after she fell through some ice while playing hockey. As part of their Canada Day celebration, many Canadians decided to watch their beloved Toronto Blue Jays take on our beloved Philadelphia Phillies for a rousing game of baseball, or as its known in the Great North, rounders. (Except in the part where they speak French, those people just think baseball is the weirdest game of hockey they’ve ever seen.) Before the game, Mounties spread corn flakes on the field, the first pitch was thrown by the president of Canada, Bryan Adams, and Canadian pride was flying high. There was a lot riding on this game, too, because as we all know, if someone beats the Blue Jays on Canada Day then they gain ownership over the country of Canada.
The Phillies didn’t really want to own Canada because that’s like owning a Billy Ripken rookie card, so they decided to throw Kyle Kendrick. True to form, KK allowed two runs in the first inning and the Phillies were looking to play from behind, something that they would have to do for most of the day. Battle back they did, however, and the Phillies were able to put up a run in the 2nd and 3rd innings against Blue Jays’ pitcher Ricky Canada to tie the game at 2-2. The game remained tied until the bottom of the 5th when Kendrick gave up a monster two run shot to Eric Canada that flew like 150 meters or something (I’m not good with the metric system because I’m an American).
The Phillies battled back to cut the lead to 3-4 in the top of the 6th, thanks to a double and a swipe of third by Domonic Brown and a single to right by Chooch. Then, in the 7th the Phillies were able to put a two spot on the board via a single by Howard, an RBI triple by Shane Victorino and a sac fly by Ben Francisco to gain their first lead of the afternoon. The lead wouldn’t last, however, as Kyle Kendrick was still in the game. KK was able to record two outs in the bottom of the 7th, but gave up a single to Aaron Canada. So with two outs and a man on first, the home run leader of the league, Jose Canada, stepped into the box. Chooch called time and went out to the mound to tell Kyle not to throw a strike. Chase Utley came over from second to repeat what Chooch calls words just to make sure there was no confusion. Kyle Kendrick looked at the dugout and Charlie Manuel and Rich Dubee mouthed in unison “don’t throw an f-ing strike.” My mom went out to the mound to tell Kyle not to throw a strike.
Kyle threw a strike.
What followed was a 3,000 meter (again, not great at the metric system) bomb to left to give the Blue Jays a one run edge. The Jays would hold onto that lead heading into the ninth where Toronto closer, Frank Canada, came in to try and record the save. He walked Polanco after a full count, and got Chase in the whole with two strikes. Chase would battle at the plate before sending a fly ball to left which should have been caught. However, left fielder, Juan Canada, completely misplayed the ball and found it sailing over his head, giving Chase a gift of a double and allowing Polly to get to third. Howard would then come up to fight a pitch off and send it into shallow center, allowing Polanco and Utley to both score. The Phillies had the lead and Canada’s collective little Canadian heart broke as we in the Delaware Valley laughed like mad men. Bastardo would come in to seal the deal in the top of the ninth with a 1-2-3 inning that can only be described as filthy. His ERA is now at 0.90. The kid is playing ridiculously good.
So the Phillies won and Canadians were really polite about the whole thing, apologizing for taking the lead in the first place, and all. The Phillies won the county of Canada and gave it right back to Bryan Adams explaining that it wasn’t worth the hassle. All the Canadians went home to watch Kids In The Hall and John Candy movies, as of course is tradition in Canada. I’m sure their barbecuing gofers and enjoying what’s left of their Canada Day.
Silly Canadians.
SW-Ian Anderson
NOTE: LITTLE TO NO RESEARCH WAS DONE IN THE MAKING OF THIS ARTICLE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CANADA DAY IS OR HOW IT’S CELEBRATED. I’M NOT EVEN A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE CANADA IS A REAL PLACE.
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